How To Seem Like You Are Doing A Good Job At Being A Student

You have listened to multiple podcasts and TED talks. You know now: you shape your own destiny. You are the change the world needs. You are going to become that exemplar student. Parents are going to share your photos with other Pinot-sipping-my-kids-are-the-best-50-year-olds on WhatsApp. Professors are going call to you by your nick name (you are that close). Friends are going to tag you in memes about overachiever kids that everyone hates, but secretly admires…

It is 3.05 am. You wake up because background Netflix lullaby-murmur has stopped to check whether you are still there, empty pizza boxes piled up in the corner of your room on top of mock exam papers. You wrote “21.12” on your hand and now you are not sure whether it is your sister’s birthday or assignment due date reminder. You close all 17 Chrome tabs, last one is a Buzzfeed “Who is your celebrity husband” article: Jason Momoa (duh).

If this is remotely you, I offer you a short list of suggestions on how to seem like you are doing a good job at being a student:

1. Go to a 2 dollar shop and buy a pack of highlighters. Has to be more than 5 colours. Highlight every 5th word with a different colour. Loudly complain that you are running out of your highlighters in front of your parents.
2. Cancel your Netflix account and delete Instagram app of your phone. Continue using your flatmate’s Netflix logins and bookmark Instagram in your browser. Don’t forget to post on Facebook that you are going to be absent from Instagram for a while because #priorities.
3. Use WikiHow on the ways to cover up dark circles under your eyes. Try high-grade-all-purpose flour as suggested on Tasty Blog. Check Tasty to find out that they never suggested such thing.
4. Make sure your lecturer is in proximity and spontaneously proclaim to your friend group that “this is semester is the semester you are not going to let your grades down”.
5. Pretend to be on top of things by carrying a bag full of books and gym gear. Fill your bag with Vogue magazines and takeaway dumplings instead.
6. Set up a meeting with your tutor and let them know that you are focusing on resilience, discipline and being a good listener this semester. Remember to Google 3 other “Attributes of a good student” next time you see them.
7. Buy a protractor.

It is not easy to fool everyone (and especially yourself) on just how much you are ready to stop procrastinating and start owning your potential, but you can start here. Maybe, you will even have time to watch Aquaman on the 21st of Dec! Oh, I see now…

Continuation from my other article on How To Be Attractive Even Though You Are A Complete Potato, as if the internet wasn’t full of weird stuff already.