Sometimes No Doesn’t Mean Try Harder — A Story About Self Defence

Walking to your car at night clenching the keys in your hand trying to look at your fast pacing feet taking one headphone out, you are being paranoid, it is nothing

On the way to the bathroom at a loud party in a narrow corridor of someone’s house trying to squeeze between a couple of drunk guys who get closer on purpose looking you up and down, you are used to it, it is nothing

Going for a run through a park and seeing a man sitting on a swing smoking suddenly looking up at you, your eyes are down, trying to run faster telling yourself it is nothing

Carrying your grocery bags home when a friendly smile asks if he can help carry it to your door because you look like you are struggling, your gut squeezing really tight but your brain telling you it is nothing

At a restaurant with guy you’ve been seeing with his hand on your thigh not feeling yourself but afraid of being rude and you liked him anyway, right? it is nothing

1 in 5 females report experiencing sexual and/or physical violence in the last 12 months. Most of which are committed by someone we know, close friend, family, partner.

As part of my birthday present, I got a ticket to a 1-day self defence course run by Protect Self Defence. I was curious but suspicious. I heard a lot of guy friends who do marshal arts talk how useless these courses can be because they give girls false sense of security learning cool looking but useless ninja moves.

My suspicion turned into an overwhelming amount of empathy and emotions during the first hour of the course. The stories shared by the incredible team of their own experiences and stories of thousands of women they worked with made me feel more feminist than I ever have. It felt like I could relate to each and every one of them.

Self defence is not about how to disarm someone or do a back flip kick, it is about knowing the reality, the stats, being aware, being confident, knowing behavioural and psychological aspects of violence and abuse, knowing that it is OK to trust your gut, it is OK to fight back, it is also OK to not fight at all if you feel unsafe.

Through a series of terrible and very unfair circumstances, women are forced to develop an incredible intuition. Knowing exactly what a man’s look might mean, the tone, the body language, the way a man looks at you, the way he stands.

When women say No it means No, for men, it means — try harder. In most cases, it is not a man’s individual fault either. We are raised in this society. The movies we watch where guy chases the girl and finally wins her over. When the girl denies sex but she actually really wants it, you just need to try harder. That’s why it is so important to empower and talk about these things with everyone, not just girls (which the Protect team does!)

The course was led by men and women. Having men allies there was incredible. Someone who says: “I hear you. I am sorry you have to live with it. I am here for you.”

The course is heavily influenced by the teachings of The Gift of Fear (research on the survival signals laid bases for both, this course and the book), which you should totally read!

I cried my eyes out on the way back home because I felt for every girl who has ever been harassed for sex, for nudes, talked into doing something she didn’t feel like doing, being afraid to seem rude and doing it anyway, not knowing how to say No and why do I have to say it so many fucking times, liking the guy but being uncomfortable about something and being talked or forced into it. I hear you. I know what it is like.

I can’t recommend this course highly enough. If you have any doubts, I would pay for you to go there!

You will learn so much about yourself and your power. You will connect so deeply with other females. You will increase your chances of getting out of shitty situations safely.

At the end, we had a voluntary exercise when males with full body armour pretend to attack you and you can use all the stuff you learned, which is not bullshit ninja moves but the attitude and power to see how to get out of it. It was incredible. Incredible to see how you can really hurt a guy who is twice your size but also how fucking scary it is and that it is truly a last resort.

Sending all my love to all the incredible wāhine and to the superb team at Protect Self Defence. There was no other way I could have spent my day better!