Wandering

This has been some sort of a publicly available diary for me. I have multiple ‘stories’ saved as drafts that are too messy and incoherent. But then my mind has been quite incoherent lately.

Moments like these override my entire operating system where things are usually neatly organised, goals set and achieved, things done, lessons learned, books read.

My whole life emotions, when in charge, took over everything. Not that I don’t get things done. I do. My life on the outside runs just as it always does. On the inside, however, my mind is a big colourful mess wandering and wondering from the second my brain wakes up from sleep before I even open my eyes to the moment it goes blank at night.

Some days I can think about one thing every waking hour and not come up with any coherent thought process or conclusion. You have seen videos from the New York bakery making these colourful hipster bagels and filling them with coloured cream cheese. These videos are so pleasant to watch. Now, imagine having this colourful dough rolling on your mind for hours. Is it good to think about it? Yes. Does it make you smile? Definitely. Is it helpful to think about some bakery on the other side of the world with bagels that you can’t eat because you are coeliac? Well, this is a tangled weird example but you get the idea. Yeah, you Elina. Reading this later on.

The things that I usually practise — peaceful concentrated mind set on helping people around me and learning, do not get used when my mind decides to install bagel dough and run the program for hours, days, months.

The other day at the gym, 30 minutes in, I realised that I have literally thought of nothing but where to put my tired limbs in a pilates class. It was so freeing. Free mind, not wandering, just being.

Maybe the way to face the bagels is to just think about them and not try and distract yourself from it? Someone would say that bagels are the distraction in itself from more important things in life that you usually focus on and thus, bagels should be eliminated? Maybe the way to go is down-dog it up and puzzle until my mind frees itself from everything including bagels and then I can start building up a new system that runs under my control?

This has been a very pleasant metaphor. I love my wandering mind as much as I hate it some times. Let’s try to free it up to see how much work gets done.