Why you would benefit from learning about relationships: Mating in Captivity

Growing up I had no real reference to what “good” relationship is like. My parents split up when I was 2, officialy on paper — when I was 9. Almost all of my friends had these picture worthy families (most of them did have family portraits hanging in their living rooms) but come closer you would find abuse, affairs, alchocol, mistrust. No one was particulary unhappy but I never never managed to meet someone whose coupledome I aspired to.

I meet a lot of people who are content with their partner but there is inevitably some lurking emotions that we want more? less?, unexplainable “ants in the pants” feeling which no one is immune to.

I have always questioned what this mysterious should is when it comes to relationships and recently read a great book by Esther Perel: Mating in Captivity.

Why is it worth learning about relationships, monogamy and nonmonogamy, no matter what your situation and views on the subject are:

1. You exercise your emotional intelligence and get more in-touch with yourself and subsequently, others.
2. You question what the heck “normal” means, thus, making your life so much easier by removing some made up normality grid from your views.
3. You learn about intimacy, in- and interdependancy, sex, different dynamics and since we exercise our relationship muscles 24/7, it would definitely equip you for the good and not-so-good parts to come.

Here I listed some of my favourite bits from Mating in Captivity (hoping to inspire you to read more):

• Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separatenes.
• Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?
• The grand illusion of committed love is that we think our partners are ours. In truth, their separateness is unassailable, and their mystery is forever ungraspable. As soon as we can begin to acknowledge this, sustained desire becomes a real possibility. There’s nothing like the fear of loss to make those old shoes look new again.
• Despite a 50 percent divorce rate for first marriages and 65 percent the second time around; despite the staggering frequency of affairs; despite the fact that monogamy is a ship sinking faster than anyone can bail it out, we continue to cling to the wreckage with absolute faith in its structural soundness.
• Sexual desire and good citenziship don’t play by the same rules.
• The bonds of wedlocks are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, sometimes three (on rethinking infedility).

Fast forward many years, I met a lot of people who tackle some of the most common but, nevertheless, most burdening issues with grace and even playfulness. Most of these people are indeed fascinated by the science of relationships and make an effort to make themselves literate when it comes to it.

Soooo, to conculde: no matter what your stance is, understanding:

• Why you are in a monogamous relationship (did you make that choice or it was made for you?)
• Why you fantasize about certain things (and people)
• Why you may lose desire for your long-term partner even if you love them to death
• What attracts you and where it stems from

is so fascinating and important for a more fulfilled life. Listen to this if you want to start somewhere :)